Jenn Doan - Producer/Dancer
In just three days, we have learned so much about each other that it is almost unreal. At the end of rehearsal we all decided to share THE personal story that every dancer wrote onto paper and gave to Taryn on the first day of rehearsal. This story was to be a specific time/incident/moment when we were completely consumed about something. We all had our stories and we all had more difficulty than not putting our selves onto the front lines and shared our most vulnerable side.
For me, I chose to reveal a side that I still carry a lot of fear around. It was also something still wrapped inside a lot of shame because I feel like I am the only one who is struggling with these things. After sharing my story to the group and just letting myself be brutally honest about my struggles and this perceived “weakness” of being completely consumed something in which i am most often completely powerless over, I remember feeling so vulnerable like my bare chest just open for the world to see after talking to the group while getting ready to go home. Still a little bit of fear and doubt crossing my mind like what would they think of me? are they judging? would they even understand? The same old story… always the same old story that we tell ourselves.
Well here I am… This is who I am! Strong and weak…. beautiful and ugly… loving and unloving… generous and self-fish. They are all parts of me. I have all these parts within me.
I feel that we all have so much fear to show the parts of us that struggle so deeply inside. We only let others see our best and strongest and most beautiful… so everyone hides these parts of themselves and often think their problems are so unique to just them…. but in actuality most can relate to some degree. Surprisingly sometimes, when I take that risk to open up and to be honest to myself about what has been hidden so deeply inside, covered up, smothered, ignored.. (hey doesn’t this go back to some of the reasons we are overly consumed by things) and someone comes up to me and says ” Hey, i totally understand how you feel” PHEW… its is so relieving. WHy? Probably because then I don’t feel so alone and isolated. It is also the fact that when i let myself be honest and open it helps other find the courage to do the same and vice versa. Then there might be a chance for connection. Deeper human connection. I think that is fundamental for us humans to not only survive but also to thrive.
All that being said… because everyone inside the creative process has let themselves open to the group so quickly and honestly, even here on our blogs to the public this work will carry something so human and honest and beautiful.
I think people are even more beautiful when their darkest, ugliest, weakest sides come through too. They just allow themselves to be seen as fully human. NO bullshit. Honesty is a gift.
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wow. it’s so strange. i have tears in my eyes even reading your statement above jenn. we spoke earlier today and i mentioned how i can really feel each of you coming off the pages here on this site. i can literally hear the soundtrack of your voice speaking as i read your words.
it takes so much courage to open up about what you find deep inside you to be dark or ugly…..who will love you when you show them your shit? how could anyone love me if i show them my most hideous form? it is truly scary. that fear is real.
thank you for sharing….it was comforting sitting there and feeling the unified energy of our team….i feel like we are making a safe space for us all to become more connected. taking the challenges as they come and continuing on as one must……like life no? <3
Hi EVERYONE!
Jenn, just wanted to say thanks as well. You did it! Thumbs up to honesty. It was equal playing ground the other night. Glad you were able to jailbreak it for us!!!
I wanted to ask you some questions though! I wanted to ask you (and everyone else) about fear of judgement. Uhm, because it’s something every person has had to deal with at some point or another, I wanted to ask what puts you off about it? What is it that you’re afraid of, consequence-wise, when someone judges you? Is it always a causal thing? For instance, if a happens, then b will happen? Is it sometimes less concrete than that?
Also, I guess I’ll use this space to ask two more general questions as well. Let me know if I should post something like this somewhere else.
I wanted to ask an open-ended question to you that have been using these specific words on inlayers.ca, but as well to everyone reading… Users of dance-speak, or not. I always wonder what someone exactly means by some words. I admit there is a certain feeling, or aura, that follows them. But since we’re also writing… Thought I’d ask.
I wanted to ask what you mean when you use the word connection, connected, to connect with someone? What does that imply for you? What connects you to someone else exactly? Why do you feel the need to be connected? What does it give you? Why is it important to you?
And not to look a gift horse in the mouth (pun, sorry), but gift. What does the word “gift” connote for you? Why is it important, or positive, or whatever, for experiencing something, or receiving something, to feel like a gift?
Wow, so much food for thought…okay I try not to get too off tangent but i’m going to just go off all the above that i’ve read.
‘Raw’, ‘Honesty is a gift’ … make me think of the word
AUTHENTICITY
:not false
:true to one’s personality, spirit or character.
and how being authentic, as well VULNERABLE, is what allows us to truly connect, on the deep fulfilling level (rather between superficial facades we present in relationships in order to survive in society)
Fear of judgement is something we need to stop running from…easier said than done… but just imagine what would happen if we all admitted we were scared and just accepted each other for who we are.
In response to Simon’s question about what is it about judgement that is scary??
Maybe its that the way other judge us is exactly how we choose to measure our WORTH. We are scared of showing our weaknesses/ugly sides because if reflects us negatively, it somehow means we are not good enough and unworthy of love and connection.
What are your thoughts? Is fear worthiness of love & connection something we all struggle with?
Now what is a possible solution or a step we can make toward feeling free and be raw, honest in this wrold? Maybe just take the RISK, lean into the discomfort of being vulnerable – just you. We must be courageous and accept that we are imperfect – each unique and beautiful each in our own way. Then maybe we can find this deep connection with others that make life so special and worth living.
Connection (the way we are using it): the act of meeting on a level deeper than the superficial, functional shell we use on a daily basis. This could be through touch, emotion, thought, knowing, “energy”. Connection implies a mutual understanding, a communication, a sharing. Connection creates relationship and also context. Connection is what makes dance good!
Thank you for this beautiful post Jenn. I think we have all felt that same fear that you speak about – the fear to reveal our inner struggles. Whenever I am going through tough times and I feel consumed by sadness or darkness I always try to remind myself to combat it with light, which for me is love from my family and laughter with my friends. Taryn and I talk about this all the time
I really enjoyed your post and look forward to reading more!
Hey Josephine,
Thats super true. I am learning that the best tool for overcoming challenge and inner struggle is to move towards people for strength. I have a tendency to isolate myself when I feel weak and low but it really makes it worse. It is still important to be able to have time in solitude as well avoid distraction and dealing with what is really going on… I also have to remember to find humor and laughter in these times.. I can be too serious.