Taryn Javier - Project Creation & Development | Production | Artistic Direction & Choreography
ok….so i want to say i will be writing this as i think and about how i feel during this process. i’m going to free flow all of these. like a journal….from me. so…now to get to the point.
here i am about to embark on the second go at inlayers….
i’m excited..
i’m scared…
i worry that i will fail. damn it. i’m always worrying i will fail.
but…whatever. i also want to make the best piece i’ve ever made. i go into every piece like that.
i’ve been thinking a lot about what should be the main focus? what questions do i ask to invoke strong emotion….enough to be felt by all nearby.
how do i get the dancers to emote from an honest place? something strong enough to drive into the heart of those that witness…?
there are other concerns like….how do i make this whole process interesting enough to engage people AND have them be comfortable enough to comment? to question? to involve themselves as artists…..? so much i want people to get involved….i really want to bring art to their table…in their home…where they are comfortable and open enough to be honest and feel like they are part of this….actually no….where they know they are engaging and they KNOW they are involved….
so badly i want people to get involved. to ask whatever…to say whatever….to communicate with us ALL along the process.
another thing i consider is my dancers. oh how i love my dancers. 
i want to present challenge to them all….i want them to grow….i love to push people to where i see they can go….but what i love more is the surprise i get when they go further. dancers are so amazing….they are so delicate and strong at the same time…..how lucky it is to be a dancer….it sounds so flakey or wishy washy…but it’s true. dancers are amazing because they put their vulnerability out there for everyone to see…and to feel. how amazing is that? how brave? how lucky i feel when i witness ….and feel all of this…
i think i’m going off on a tangent here.
ok….focus. some of the questions i want to ask are the following…what consumes you?
what consumes you?
what consumes you?
what consumes you?
is it healthy? how do you know you are consumed? do you know you are being consumed? how can we tell?
how do we get out of consummation that is unhealthy? is ALL consummation unhealthy? what are physical cues of consummation? has there been a time when you realized this is what was going on for you? ever? what was that moment…..? let me know.
Donate Now!
This is the first time I “blog”/contribute to a blog and I realize now that I have written this, that it is sort of too formal and perhaps too long. Oh well, here it is anyway. This is why I dance for a “living”.
Being consumed by something so completely that time dissapears is one of the most incredible experiences in life. I have experienced this through pain, pleasure, fear, desparation, awe, and of course, love. (dance, sex, mountains, nature, birth of my sister, drugs, family, war, beautiful men who have loved me, death of loved ones, hurting friends/family, being hurt…) For me, when something consumes me, it is a completely immersive experience, body and mind.
I think humans have always and will always seek escape in these types of experiences and these escapisodes can be balanced or become destructive.
I wonder however, if it is recent that we are consumed by consumption itself. We want to take in more. Everything, anything. We blast music, check facebook, play a video and eat breakfast at the same time. We fill our schedules so we are always running. We save time by answering emails on the toilet. efficiency becomes the most valued commodity. When we can’t punch in any more “working” hours, we drown ourselves in glasses of wine and lines of cokonfidence. We sleep when we fall down. more and more extreme, we race to the finish line that doesn’t exist? consolation prizes go to the few able to ride the line of crazy without becoming clinical. at the end of the day we need a megaphone to hear anything at all. delicate whisperings slip away, unheard.
You know how some fish grow to fit the tank they live in? I think humans are like that with time. In our quest for efficiency we create more time, that is immediately and automatically filled. perhaps we have always been this busy, just in different ways. We used to spend any free time washing clothes by hand, or grinding wheat into flour…
So, I am not necessarily saying this is a bad way to live. it is certainly exciting. Definately consuming.
I also thought it might be interesting to really define these words we are using. perhaps to stimulate our imaginations a bit further.
consumption
1-the using of a resource; the eating, drinking or ingesting of something; purchase and use of goods or services; the reception of information or entertainment, 2- a wasting disease.
consummation
1-the point at which something is complete or finalized : the consummation of a sale.
- the action of making a marriage or relationship complete by having sexual intercourse : the eager consummation that follows a long and passionate seduction.
hey melina…… i loved your response. <3 i especially enjoy these definitions at the bottom!! but…i’m wondering can you answer more the questions i posted near the bottom of the blog? your experience being consumed….was it healthy? unhealthy? how did you know this was occurring?? what were the physical cues within the body of being consumed? etc….things like that.
also………i cannot wait to dance with you again. <3
what consumes me? This is not something that can be answered simply and briefly.. so here we go…
many things consume me… there are wonderfful things that are consuming and there are definitely things that are unhealthy and destructive to a healthy and vibrant being.
the first thing i think of when i think of what consumes me are of the addictions that run deeply in the thread of my psychological fabric. what are these addiction?
food, work, the desire for more, anger…
Food – i don’t smoke, drink coffee or alcohol nor do i do much drugs anymore. my substance of choice is usually food… sugars, flour, fatty things.. i turn to food when i’m anxious, fearful, doubtful, procrastinating…even when i’m happy and feeling good too. but… when I can’t deal with my reality. when i turn to these foods, it triggers an addictive reaction in my body and mind. Then I become obsessed and that’s all I can think about. It has consumed me completely. Where to get the next fix. We all have something to fill the void. I use to fill mine with addictive foods. This has been my struggle for a long time. I compulsively overeat to escape. How do I stay present with what’s really happening and not try to escape? HAH!
This is what I feel unhealthy consummation is about… escape. To escape what really is right now and here… So we can’t sometimes stand the feelings and the sensations …its’s too much. So people turn to alcohol, food, drugs, spending money, sex, gambling, our computer screens, bad relationships, emotional responses that hurt others…. (I’ve been researching addiction for a while now and its absolutely fascinating. we are a society addicted to everything!)
but at some point no matter what I put inside or run to … its doesn’t fill the void, the hurt, the pain, the uncomfortable feelings, nor does it stop my self pitying mind that nags at me and tells me lies that it isn’t enough yet. I need more. More of what? The very thing that causes me to still feel that i need even more.
The desire for more… this is both within my personal make-up and as well runs deeply in the fabric of the society that I exist in. Its never enough. This is both a great trait or asset to me and a big down fall. On the one hand it makes me sooo ambitious for all the things i want in life. Trust me i want lots! I spend much of my time (when im not consumed by unhealthy habit and thoughts) dreaming of all things I will do and want in my life. But this desire for more causes much trouble when it consumes too much of me. It creates greed and self-centredness. How can I get ahead and how can i be better and more and more and even more. its just never enough. then i forget about the abundance i actually have.. i forget about all of it.. and my mind only know of what it doesn’t have. This is the very type of thought pattern that has caused much harm to our earth and environment. EEsh.. well now im aware of it.. so i guess i just have to devote myself to a practice that will help me cease this.., trust me its like changing my DNA. Change is slow. I will put in the efforts but the result are often not predictable. Anyone ever feel like that when you try to change a bad habit?
I come from a crazy fire-filled vietnamese family. Mom is fire. Dad is Fire. Me.. Im a F*@^% volcano. the wrath and aggression in me is powerful. This is both where my drive and ambitions come from and at the same time where I am easily consumed with anger. When you are consumed with anger what do you do? You can’t let it out on others (not saying that I have not) but you can’t suppress it inside. Let me tell you.. its a very hard emotion to deal with. But i won’t get into it too much. I’m working on it..
I’m a workaholic… I have to make rules for myself to get off my damn computer screen or to schedule chill out time otherwise i forget.
How do you know you are consumed?
I know I am consumed when I am powerless over what has consumed me. It has taken over. There is no space for air and ground. I can tell I am consumed when I am fixated.. nothing else matters and nothing else can make its way in.
How do we get out of consummation that is unhealthy?
I find unhealthy consummation is often tied to denial as well. Denial is a tough one to deal with… like being blind. How do you unblind yourself. Often from my experience of getting out of unhealthy consummation is when I have absolutely hit the rockiest of bottoms.. physically, emotional, mentally.. then when I hit it hard.. I wake up a little and find some ground to start climbing back up again. This is a good question but I can;t go on too much longer.
Of course let me finish on a positive note…
There is definitely healthy consummation.. love.
I’m in love.. and for some of the first times in my life I have experienced the amazing whole body feeling to being open and loved and loving with another human being. Ahhh.. its so beautiful.
Being consumed by great visions. I’m an artist and I am so grateful for the great visions, inspirations, and ideas that the creative universe brings to me.. it brings so much joy to be open to receiving creative inspirations and what’s even more amazing is the ability to bring them to life. To create and to perform. Putting my creativity into action is what makes my soul sing ..
This feeling of my soul being alive is what I aspire to be consumed with all the time..
*SIGH*….
I can’t wait for the start of our rehearsals!!!
There you go Taryn.. hope that’s enough for your research…
hey jenn….again, i loved your response. so beautifully candid. as you know, (we just spoke….) i am in ottawa, pressed for time due to my “other” job…..but i really wanted to respond to what you wrote.
lengthy though it was….it was so wonderfully open. it’s true we tend to distract ourselves with being consumed by things….we as humans are afraid of living in the moment. it takes someone strong and brave to live in the here and the now.
i know my pattern is to distrace myself as well with things like “eating my feelings”…haha….or distracting myself with various obsessions….a crush, going out and drinking or engaging in entertainment….so i don’t have to live in my own moment…and truly feel the feelings i am going through.
i believe we rob ourselves when we do this.
i know i run the risk of burning out. i fill up my schedule with things to do…be it important or not….in an effort to avoid myself? perhaps….? most likely yes…?
as you know i just completed an Artist in Residence at Calgary’s Dancers’ Studio West….during my final week….my father had to call me several times to remind me to eat. (i know he did this because he remembered his own brother….my uncle…also a dancer….he died because he was running from job to job…not eating. and he burned himself out completely…and dropped dead.
it’s so interesting because i feel the pick up of our project happening….and i can feel the threat (and guilty pleasure ?) i will take from sleepless nights…..where my mind will run full (of distraction) with creative thoughts’….movement visions….memories of moments where the dancers connected….
i am so thrilled to be embarking on this journey. i’m so excited with the response (ALREADY) from the dance community…and i am completely taken with anticipation….
am i already fighting consummation?? how TRULY interesting…….
i wait for more dancer correspondence…..
taryn
HI GUYS
Nice to join you here. Psyched.
A couple of comments on your original post Taryn. As stated in a recent e-mail between us, from your side, I’d just like to reiterate that we have not met yet. So these are first meetings of sorts. Nice to meet you guys on this level, talking about this work.
Get to the comments then. Right.
On failure. Nietszche said it better than I’ll be able to –
“A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 – 1900), The Gay Science, section 41
Thanks for that one Nietzche. The title of your paper, or book, is also unintentionally hilarious. Thanks.
Thought that could help somewhat, just as a way of looking at it. I know it is interesting for me to look at it that way. The goal not being to succeed, although that may be a welcome side-effect, but it, the goal being, what am I getting from this. What am I seeing, learning, touching, sharing, producing, etc. What is this thing that I’m doing, doing. And is it doing what I want it to be doing? Or is it doing something that I didn’t expect, that I like, or find more interesting, maybe even more than what I wanted it to do?
By all means, I think we should run head-on into great, heavy, difficult failure. Grinning all the way.
On a dancer’s honesty. I think that is the dancer’s own responsibility, no? If we are working within honesty as artists, then what we will produce will be some sort of representation of that.
On a dancer’s honesty of emotion. There are good actors and there are less good actors. They’re equally honest performers, I think.
On how to make this comfortable AND engaging for the contributors via The Internet. Suggestions – Ask them directly the same questions. Ask them to speak about how they’re experiencing contributing via The Internet. Ask for any comments about the work that we’re doing. Ask them for suggestions, or actual physical involvement. Ask them to respond with their bodies somehow. Stress their ability to comment. Anyone interested in contributing will, I think.
The questions we’re asking.
-What consumes me?
A whole lot. The consummation ricochets between two large and nattering sides. One being, how I spend my physical time, and the other being how I spend my inner time, and how that translates into the physical. Oh, the games, the tricks the play on each other! I am transformed, perhaps largely unconsciously, by what I eat.
Fear of a misstep, or doing something I don’t know how to do, oftentimes makes things difficult. It is difficult enough to do the things without the elephant of worry on top of it. It helps to focus on what has to be done, while trying to dissipate my anxieties through tricking myself, or facing it head-on.
-So, what exactly consumes me?
Dreams. Possibilities. Closed-doors, and doors that are opening. Relationships: Platonic and otherwise. Training myself to be more open physically, and autonomously, to be able to use my body more fully. Spending time consuming culture, whether it be Art, or art, music, reading, catching up on the News, catching up with friends, with sleep, planning and weighing my next move and what, I can only hope, it will do. Cigarettes, beer, and coffee. The past and the things I have lost, and how to not lose the things I have control over not losing. How to make the changes, or the not changes, I want in myself. Standing up for myself and being comfortable in social settings. Being good to people. Taking responsibility for myself and my actions. Making the Art I want to see, and allowing the work I make say what I am really trying to say. Finding ways to say it better, or more completely. Making lists. Dressing myself. Taking care, or not, of the space. Noticing things. Finding a good way for me to work. Finding a way to work that doesn’t make it seem like work. Putting effort into the things I do. Taking things seriously. Acting like a complete idiot.
-Is it healthy?
It is not always healthy, or productive. Sometimes I am too strict with myself on one thing, and completely lose my grip on the others. The possibilities and dreaming, can be the most dangerous, I think. They take me the furthest away from my reality, and fog how to get to where I am going. I can be easily distracted by a romantic, or empty, or impossible idea, become almost obsessive about it, and lose sight of what is important to me. Or what is less important to me, but will benefit me, and others more. Focusing and asking questions, help.
-Do you know you are being consumed?
Yes. But sometimes it is hard to tell what it is.
-How do we get out of consummation that is unhealthy?
It depends on if you want to, or not. I think that is quite easy to say, but if you want it badly enough there is always a way. Perhaps not the best, or easiest, or most productive, most enjoyable, affordable, kind, or dignified way. But there is a way.
-Is all consummation unhealthy?
My body enjoys a salad, but it doesn’t enjoy too much salad. (?)
-What are the physical cues of consummation?
What do you mean?
-Has there been a time when you recognized being consumed in yourself? And what was it?
Yes. A thousand times, yes.
Two major ones.
One was a cycle of substance-abuse. My body was used to its physiological effects, and still misses them, but the main battle was the psychological effects it had on me. One day I just quit. Cold-turkey. For awhile I had been feeling the day I was going to quit was very soon, kept telling myself, it’s almost here, you are going to stop this. One day I stopped and hardly noticed I had stopped, physically. When a stressful situation, or a bad period, would arrive it would be the thing my body desired, but the uncontrollable head-space it created was enough for me to turn the other way, to find other ways of dealing with myself. Time is one of the good ones.
The second is recent, and was falling into a love without reciprocation. I had an incredible energy for the months when it was at its most intense. It was all I could think about. It bled from waking life into the night and into the morning again. There was no end to it. It’s what my work during that time, inadvertently, was about. I was writing bad poetry, making songs out of that poetry, directing the love out into friendships and the Internet, out to those it should go to anyhow and to the anonymous who’d take it. The only real way to direct that energy fully was into some sort of work, I think. Without being able to give it to someone, it had to go somewhere else.
Uhm. On that note… Let me know if this answers your questions. It’s quite long and a bit vague. ‘Til soon.
hello simon!! what a wonderful response!! i loved how thorough it was….although something mo has noted from the beginning…and jenn and i are going to put a little bit more focus on when we have our initial meet n greet is….
we need these bitesize.
that being said, this is our initial dancer diary blog and we are discussing the start point.
what consumes you?
as ralph and pam are still getting geared up to respond(no worries you two! :p ) – i will ask them to focus on the final paragraph of my requests…the questions. i will focus on your answers to that final paragraph.
your final 2 paragraphs i find particularly interesting. only because (and here is the self absorbed artist coming out….) i find myself struggling with these same distractions. that of substance abuse or love and its loss or gain or lack thereof or misplacement….
i note that i distract myself with these things so i do not need to live in the present and then all of a sudden it rolls out of control.
when i ask “what are the physical cues of being consumed?” ….i mean….when you are involved in these “distractions” that roll beyond your control….how does your body feel? what is it posture…what is the energy you are containing within your body….or what is the energy like you are throwing out into the ether??
it is from there i want to start work. it is there i believe the body is being honest. 99% of communication is body language…the frequency of emergency is something we can all tune into….
what is the emergency signals your body is sending to you/to the outside world when you are consumed…? that is where i want to start our creation.
all of this being said (i know i have only touched on a bit of your reply simon….but it was a good one and i wanted to try to focus on what stood out to me…)
ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS ARE ALWAYS POSED TO THE PUBLIC.
dancers…share your responses to your networks…ask your friends these same questions and get them to reply here…let us work with a multitude of responses to further texture our creation.
for the public…reply to us here. respond to us here….work with us now. feel free to respond or message a particular dancer if you want to only address them….or address us all with your responses here…online…and let us all create together.
what consumes you? love? drugs? sex? food? material possessions? creating art?
are you distracting yourself? what are you distracting yourself from?
First, I like reading other people’s replies, it lets me learn more about them, thank you for sharing above!
Lately, what consumes me is belonging. I ask why do I think I love dance so much when belonging in the field and amongst dancers is so hard? I know I should stop thinking about all of this, because it’s unhealthy. Anything like this that consumes you and makes you tihnk so much is unhealthy, imho. But then there are always good people and good dancers, but sometimes you forget they are there! So you are consumed by confusion, hurt, incredible anger, and sometimes just sometimes, happiness.
“how do you know you are consumed? ”
Your heart doesn’t stop beating, at least you don’t stop feeling it. you stop being happy in the moment that you are in.
“how do we get out of consummation that is unhealthy?”
by being dead, by dying, i.e. ending of one’s life. Really, that is the only way.
“is ALL consummation unhealthy? what are physical cues of consummation? has there been a time when you realized this is what was going on for you? ever? what was that moment…..? let me know.”
There are times where we are consumed by complete joy, whether that be by a complete and honest and good and real connection with someone else, that someone else is just so open-hearted, caring, not-judging, doesn’t categorize, and gives everybody, i mean EVERYBODY, a chance.
When I read of dancers who truly can and are so open and vulnerable (in a good way) on stage, I think that’s awesome.
I think most of us can have 2 different sides to us, and sometimes when society forces us to project an image of security, we focus on that, and focus on good things, but at the same time, we don’t even notice we have a very bad side that is treating others awfully, because we are too consumed with our own lives or own circle of close friends, that we don’t notice the person that was standing just next to us, but wasn’t really part of the circle.
aOk so first of all, i dislike any form of writing and or reading… at this present time in my life. So for some of you reading this it may be confusing, un-educated and punctually not sound. I was really bad in English at school just barley scraping, and luckily because my teachers loved me so dearly let me pass.
… ok here we go.
WHAT CONSUMES ME? … what con-sum-es me… at this present time what consumes me is my need to be amazing… be great… be that dancer (like in memoirs of a geisha ) “that can stop a man[ and or woman] with one look”… k i sound like a douche bad. Haha but i think when it comes down to it its the passion that consumes me (artistically). Dance has come in to my life just recently, 4 years ago. Where i started with break dancing, for exercise purposes to lose my baby fat that main stream media influenced on young boys. I was 14… but yes i wanted to be sexy… strong… and muscular. As i started to dance more and more i wanted to learn more about it, different genres of dance, history etc. I went to my desktop and searched ‘dance’ then trickle down to find links of what ells ‘dance’ was. This consumed me for the next year, up late researching, learning, seeing what was the ‘hot new thing’ coming out of LA.
YES i am part of that “YOUTUBE DANCER” generation, but that does not mean that i did not train in studio to learn hands one. I worked my ass of paying for my OWN classes and was the only thing that drove me to clean late nights at my local studio. I agree YouTube is great it and is good for dancers who cannot access dance on the regular… but by all means should not be where they “learn”. I don’t care how many times you watch, analyse and learn the piece of choreography it cannot compare to learning it first hand from the teacher themselves. … im going on a rant… ill save for an other time.
K back on track… consumption
I guess my consumption for art… is like masturbation. Yes you can do it every day… but it feels even better when you wait a few days, for it to build up.
I guess what im trying to say is consumption is ok in moderation, like everything ells in life.
An example of something more recently of un moderate consumption is about this guy… yes a guy… Im a hopeless romantic, none of that one night stand sheit. Not saying i wont do it, but more of a “relationship” type of guy. Ok so there is this guy i met here in Toronto in the summer, thought he was amazing! Supper nice, masculine, smart and artistic… then i found out he had a boyfriend. And all the flirting was “how he was” a ‘flirt’. So i took it back a bit, staying as friends… but as the months past i found out how much i really ‘liked’ this guy. I guess he is a crush… turned to obsession in some way… but i was of full control. This for me is an unhealthy consumption. Why was i hurting myself every time i saw his face? Every time we meet, spoke or even passed by to say hi? And still to this day i don’t know why… it new years eve now. And i am gonna be seeing him for lunch in a few hrs. Should i tell him how i felt? Im sure he knows…right? People say body language says speaks louder than words sometimes, and knowing my body… did it show? And if i told him, would he return the feelings back? Or was he like many other boys who have to feeling whatsoever because there are so entirely consumed with
themselves?
When i am consumed and i feel its getting to a point where it is unhealthy both physically and emotionally for me. I try to either cut it out of my life entirely or try to work “it” out. There is no point of prolonging the enviable hopelessness…
DEAL WITH IT!
Wow… did i just write all of that? Hha
Anyways…
Im really excited for my new family with inlayers! Can’t wait to start working and learning! So exiting to start a new year in a new city!
See you very soon inlayers fam!
ralph
What consumes me?
- Emotions. Worry.
- Desire. Want. Sometime too focused on these to even see what’s around me.
- Work. Feverously planning, organizing, executing… sometimes forgetting to breathe.
- Perfectionism. Can lead to amazing successes with the best quality but when paired with truly unrealistic standards can be just destructive.
- Love. In the past, infatuate love… the most unhealthy but exhilarating kind.
- Physical insecurities. Can push you to be healthy – making sure to eat right and exercise… but at the same like others, there is an extreme… where it goes too far.
- Society – wanting yet not wanting to fit in. Trying to impact & be a voice. Struggling to not just sit there… am I just a little atom in a giant mass?
How do you know that you are consumed?
When nothing else in the world matters… its is the centre of my universe.
Do you know you are being consumed?
Often times yes. Although I suppose it depends on how sensitive you are to your feelings and energy.
How can we tell?
I believe that we all have a gut feeling, an inner sense to know when we are being consumed. It is whether we choose to acknowledge it and more importantly do something about it, especially when it is unhealthy and negatively impacting those around me.
Is all consumption healthy or unhealthy?
I find it interesting that for the majority of the time, being consumed often brings up negative experience and connotations. When you are consumed – to the extreme of not even having your bearings – Yes think it can be very unhealthy…yet I have this gut feeling, thinking with a fairly positive outlook on life, it doesn’t have to be that way…
I believe it can be also be looked upon as a positive healthy thing – especially if you interpret consume as to ‘engage fully’ – which I relate strongly immersing yourself, which yes can have its dangers but when done passionately with acute awareness and intention, can lead you to success, truth and discovery.
Touching on Melina’s choice to define consumption versus consummation… this is interesting…in that the consummation is a completely different word and definition but could give rise to a paralleled or contrasting idea to your research. Consummation unlike consumption is generally a positive action – to complete, realize, achieve and last but not least to fulfill – in one context as desire/ attraction through intercourse, sex. For some reason, in my mind these two words just have a connecting dotted line, a strong relationship where in my interpretation – being consumed can lead to consummating… Okay that’s enough of that, it will need to marinade more about this jumbled idea.
Physical cues:
Exhaustion, restlessness, build up of energy, implosion, explosion, dazed & confused. At peace, centered, focused, alert, always moving, strong, weak, off balance.
Has there ever been a time you realized you were being consumed?
Absolutely. I’d have to say often, too often – although when I realize I try to keep it balanced and step out of it to ground myself so I can have at least some awareness when I decide to let myself back in. Wait does this sound completely unrealistic to say I can control and decide to be or not to be consumed?
Anyways… yes I recognize it, especially when it comes to work. Sometimes it consumes me so much that it becomes my only priority. All I think about is what is next, how I’m going to achieve it. Lets get that massive list down to nothing only to write another one twice as long. I become tired and all I dream about is work. On a plus side, when this consuming does happen…what I was working for often has a great result because I put my all into it – full throttle/ completely immersed. The negative thing about it is the bystandards – the stress it can induce on those that are closest to me because they worry about my sanity and need for more balance in my life. I agree with them and I’m ‘working’ it. No pun intended.
hey pammie! <3 again…great response. i'm going to try to keep my response to you all as brief as possible! we have really made a mark on these pages already!!
i'm just going to touch on what you wrote up top. i feel like your one word statements followed up with a little explanation answered the question(s) quite nicely!
i do have a question for you though regarding the "physical cues" of being consumed….i want to know if when you are consumed you feel "at peace, centred, alert…."?? would you be able to tell me what it is in particular you are consumed with that brings about these cues for you?? i ask only because i have trouble understanding this because i don't think i can relate to these statements going with being consumed. (i'm not doubting you in any way….i am just searching to understand.)
great response pammie. see you soon!!
Ok so first of all, i dislike any form of writing and or reading… at this present time in my life. So for some of you reading this it may be confusing, un-educated and punctually not sound. I was really bad in English at school just barley scraping, and luckily because my teachers loved me so dearly let me pass.
… ok here we go.
WHAT CONSUMES ME? … what con-sum-es me… at this present time what consumes me is my need to be amazing… be great… be that dancer (like in memoirs of a geisha ) “that can stop a man[ and or woman] with one look”… k i sound like a douche bad. Haha but i think when it comes down to it its the passion that consumes me (artistically). Dance has come in to my life just recently, 4 years ago. Where i started with break dancing, for exercise purposes to lose my baby fat that main stream media influenced on young boys. I was 14… but yes i wanted to be sexy… strong… and muscular. As i started to dance more and more i wanted to learn more about it, different genres of dance, history etc. I went to my desktop and searched ‘dance’ then trickle down to find links of what ells ‘dance’ was. This consumed me for the next year, up late researching, learning, seeing what was the ‘hot new thing’ coming out of LA.
YES i am part of that “YOUTUBE DANCER” generation, but that does not mean that i did not train in studio to learn hands one. I worked my ass of paying for my OWN classes and was the only thing that drove me to clean late nights at my local studio. I agree YouTube is great it and is good for dancers who cannot access dance on the regular… but by all means should not be where they “learn”. I don’t care how many times you watch, analyse and learn the piece of choreography it cannot compare to learning it first hand from the teacher themselves. … im going on a rant… ill save for an other time.
K back on track… consumption
I guess my consumption for art… is like masturbation. Yes you can do it every day… but it feels even better when you wait a few days, for it to build up.
I guess what im trying to say is consumption is ok in moderation, like everything ells in life.
Something more recently of un moderate consumption is about this guy… yes a guy… Im a hopeless romantic, none of that one night stand sheit. Not saying i wont do it, but more of a “relationship” type of guy. Ok so there is this guy i met here in Toronto in the summer, thought he was amazing! Supper nice, masculine, smart and artistic… then i found out he had a boyfriend. And all the flirting was “how he was” a ‘flirt’. So i took it back a bit, staying as friends… but as the months past i found out how much i really ‘liked’ this guy. I guess he is a crush… turned to obsession in some way… but i was of full control. This for me is an unhealthy consumption. Why was i hurting myself every time i saw his face? Every time we meet, spoke or even passed by to say hi? And still to this day i don’t know why… it new years eve now. And i am gonna be seeing him for lunch in a few hrs. Should i tell him how i felt? Im sure he knows…right? People say body language says speaks louder than words sometimes, and knowing my body… did it show? And if i told him, would he return the feelings back? Or was he like many other boys who have to feeling whatsoever because there are so entirely consumed with themselves?
When i am consumed and i feel its getting to a point where it is unhealthy both physically and emotionally for me. I try to either cut it out of my life entirely or try to work “it” out. There is no point of prolonging the enviable hopelessness… DEAL WITH IT!
Wow… did i just write all of that? Hha
Anyways…
Im really excited for my new family with inlayers! Can’t wait to start working and learning! So exiting to start a new year in a new city!
See you very soon inlayers fam!
ralph
hey ralph! wow…thanks for being so personal. that was brave.
i like that.
i’m going to do a little wrap post right away here so i will keep your response as brief as i can as well….
i think it is so very interesting how pretty much all of us have mentioned love…..i think it’s UBER interesting you likened your consumption with art to masturbation…..saying how ….leaving time between (rest/rejuvenation) allows for a better experience ….
and i note how you said your crush became an obsession. the consumption you felt led to an obsession….
what did your body feel like when you realized these things for yourself? can you go back to that memory??
hugs…and very excited to work with you as well.
<3
What consumes me?
I’m often consumed by my imagination. As Disney as that may sound, it is the truth. However, sometimes my imagination can either get me in trouble or leave me in a rut.
Why?
Because I often am consumed by the possibility of the worst possible scenario.
I’ll stay silent, stay still, stay put, all because I’ve imagined an outcome that in unfavourable and possibly humiliating.
And from that, I can say that I am often consumed by my pride. Vanity. Hubris.
I won’t get sappy but I’ll just say this:
In the 22 years I’ve been alive, I’ve spent more time disliking myself and my attributes than actually embracing and loving what I have and who I am. Only recently have I found a joy within myself to share who I am with the world. With that evolution came an evolution of image, and I suppose it’s easy to say that I am a consumer of fashion.
Unfortunately, sometimes I am so consumed by my vanity and my consumerism of fashion that I get distracted by the things that really matter, thus turning me into a superficial, cunty, eccentric, bitch. Sometimes.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m a decent person. I just the worst at first impressions.
Aside from all this negativity, there are a few things that I am consumed by which I embrace wholeheartedly.
I am consumed by beauty. Not in the sense that I am striving to make myself beautiful in superficial, but in the sense that I look for it wherever I go. In nature, in music, in art, in the way someone’s hair flows in the wind, in the way a leg or an arm extends in dance … I try to find beauty everywhere. How is it that the certain way a line curves, or the lightness or darkness of a certain colour, can make me feel so entranced? Beauty is something I hunt after and I am not ashamed for it.
I am also consumed by sentimentality. We are all blessed with interesting lives, each with interesting moments that we hold dear for our own reason. And creating more of those moments is something I love doing. Having great conversation with friends with great music, or even sitting in silence and admiring a view, is an easy way to create those moments that we will look back on when it’s difficult to create more. I love being sentimental. I love being nostalgic and romantic. Make life charming! It’s lovely when you do!
I guess the last thing that consumes me is my goals. That and the search to determine which goals should be made a priority. It’s not as light-hearted and free-spirited as the last two items I’ve noted, but my dreams and the endeavor towards them consumes me everyday. I have to let it consume me. I have to let myself be whirled up in a drive to reach these certain destinations, because if I’m not obsessed with the idea then I may never even move.
I might have said too much.
Cheers!
- V
Happy to hear from you vernon!
I too am a lover and explorer of beauty, but what is it about beauty that draws you. and what kind of beauty do you look for? what is beauty?
ralph
I think that beauty is anything that elicits an inexplicable response of adoration for something. It could be the way something or someone looks, the way something sounds, tastes, feels, and smells. Beauty is a treat for the senses. Beauty is a good drug.
It’s hard to say what kind of beauty I’m drawn to, and why.
Maybe then it would then be safe to say that beauty can sometimes be inexplicable.
I’m not an art major by any means, so I can’t explain why a view of the ocean or the melody of a certain song can evoke such awe from within. I think what draws me towards beauty is simply how enchanting beauty can be. Beauty has the power to draw people in.